Why Cant We Just Talk About It???

I have two of the most precious gifts I could ever be given, their names are Demi and Tory. I am obsessed with my girls. I love their little personalities, I love the way the laugh and smile, I love everything about them. I am that mom who blows up Instagram and Facebook with hundreds of pictures of my girls and is always beaming with joy for my sweet babies. I am that mom who puts up that perfect little life with her sweet little miracles all over the place, because that is what people need to see, no one wants to know the hardships on the other side of that computer screen, and we sure as anything don’t want to talk about it. 

I remember so vividly the day I snapped with my first daughter, the day I had no joy, the day I looked at her and wished I could take her back. I called my husband who was in Pensacola for work and begged him to come home, I couldn’t look at her. She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t moody, she wasn’t anything, she just laid there looking at me, and I didn’t want her. 

Fast-forward 22 months and my second daughter Tory is born. Surely this is something that I should be able to handle, I mean we have been there before right? I know all the symptoms, I know all the signs and we know what do to do to take care of it. It hit like a freight train, but this time, I took it out on my oldest, instead of the newest little one. My oldest daughter was hit with so much change and now her mommy couldn’t handle being around her again. Everything she did bothered me, I was annoyed at everything and couldn’t help but be so angry at her all the time. My husband kept saying he doesn’t recognize who I am because I am so angry all the time, not even sad, just angry. 

My baby is 11 weeks old. I am still battling emotions and the anger every single day. I have often wondered why this is something we don’t talk about, why this is something just swept under the rug and pushed aside. I think some of it can be that we are so afraid that we will be seen as ungrateful for this beautiful little miracle we have been given, while so many crave to be a mother, I think the other part is that you just don’t talk about those sort of things, but why not? 

Could you imagine the impact just feeling like you can openly talk about postpartum depression would have on so many moms? Letting them know they aren’t alone, you are not crazy, you are not a horrible person for thinking what you are and its ok to say it out loud so you can get help. I wish I could go back and look at myself after my first pregnancy and say all of those things, just to help me realize I wasn’t crazy or a horrible mom. I have to talk to myself daily and tell me those things even now, when I just want to disappear in the night and leave it all behind, when I struggle with everything that comes with being a mom of two girls. 

If I could say anything to myself before the girls or after it would be this: 

Dear Mommy, 

It is ok, being a mom is hard. People acting like it is easy or they have it all together, they don’t. You are going to experience so many emotions, so many thoughts and are going to think you are the worst person on this planet, you’re not. You are not the first person to have these thoughts or experience these emotions, and you won’t be the last. It’s called postpartum depression for a reason, you just had so much change in your body and now in your life, it will never be just you and your husband again, but those sweet little miracles are so worth it. You are going to struggle, you are going to want to run away, you are going to wish you could turn back time and make it all go away, you are going to look at that little face and sometimes you may hate it, but don’t allow those emotions to take you over. TALK TO SOMEONE. Know you are not alone. Don’t listen to the age old saying of “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” or “be grateful for what you have,” you are grateful, but you are also going through something so huge right now, and something that can be so dangerous if you don’t just talk about it. People who are telling you that have never walked through this, and you cannot hate them for it, you have to understand they do not know what is happening to you right now. It is ok to go lock yourself in a dark room and cry and scream, it’s ok to be angry, it is not ok to let it consume you and take away these precious moments you have so little time to enjoy. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, be honest about them. Don’t be afraid of what people will think, what matters right now is not what they think of you, but getting you better so you can enjoy these babies. You are a wonderful mom, and the first step in being a wonderful mom is taking care of yourself, so do just that, take care of yourself. Talk to your husband, he is there for a reason, and he wants to be there for you. Talk to other moms, I can promise you, you will find someone who has walked through it too. Don’t be ashamed, be proud that you are taking action. Now stand up and do something about it, admit you have it, or it will consume you. You have to much good in your life to allow this dark place to take over. Seek help, be open and start fighting this now. 

 

I still have my crazy thoughts, but they are less now. I still get angry, but I go to another room and just let it out but refuse to take it out on my babies if I can help it. I so wish this was something we weren’t ashamed to talk about. I wish moms were open about their emotions, their fears, their struggles, but that doesn’t fit this world we live in where our stories are so perfectly and strategically told on social media, where we try and be what the internet and other moms tell us we should be without realizing our experiences, our lives, our kids are all different and we are just trying to be the best mom we can be. Instead we sit back post our perfect pregnancy and motherhood experiences, waiting and hoping for someone to reach out and dig deeper.

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Tory – One Month

IMG_2241Sweet Tory Kate was weighing in at 7lbs 15oz and 20 1/4 inches long on April 13th, exactly one month later she is already beating her big sister in size when Demi was 2 months old! Cannot believe how big my baby girl is already and how alert. She loves to hold her head up and listen to Demi talk to her. She is a pro at eating and sleeping, and mostly loves sleeping in her swing. Just like her daddy and big sister, girlfriend loves to sleep and at one month is already sleeping about 6 hours a night, which makes me very thankful for such awesome sleepy babies! And just like her big sister she hates being swaddled and that pesky blue bulb!

I love watching my two little babies together, and nothing makes me happier than Demi-Girl’s absolute love for her baby sister! We are so blessed with our two little babies and I cannot wait to watch them become the best of friends.

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16 Weeks!

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Weeks pregnant?: 16 WEEKS! (whoopsie missed my 15 weeker!) 

Total weight gain: 11.5 lbs
Maternity clothes?: Michael spoiled me a little and bought me some cute tops and jeans because the belly is getting a little out of control! Its crazy! Still size small and xtra small in maternity clothes but this lil/big belly just keeps on growing!
Stretch marks?: Negative

Sleep: I wish, poor Michael wakes up wondering if he made me mad but finds me downstairs on the couch because I couldnt sleep.
Best moment this week?: I would have to say stopping by James Moore and seeing everyone I used to work with and having them see the belly and hug me and congratulate me even more, it may not have a lot to do with the baby, but they were all such a massive part of my life when it came to just love and support that seeing them made me a happy mommy!! 
Miss Anything?: Non-maternity skinny jeans, I still fit into my old ones with the belly band but dont feel confident in them so rarely wear them. 
Movement?: DEFINITELY!!! Started to feel a little extra movement this morning in church!
Food cravings: CHICKEN MARSALA THIS WEEK!! and gracious did I cook a ton of it!
Gender: Finding out in just a few more weeks

Symptoms?: Everything but movement! God gracious, eating 6 small meals a day and sucking back about 13 glasses of water and another 5 of gatorade! haha I am always thirsty

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  EXTREMELY HAPPY
Looking forward to?: Christmas with my family and the belly celebrating such a wonderful blessing our lives!!! 

Being that I am just overwhelmed by the amazingness that God has happening in my in my big/little belly, I am in awe of the description of what is happening this week! I am still so grateful and floored that God would bless Michael and I with this beautiful gift, a gift we never dreamed could or would happen and were completely fine with trusting in our Savior for adoption one day. This makes me even more grately to see what is hapening with my little sweet peanut inside my ever growing stomach! God is so amazingly merciful and gracious, and this baby just like Michael is once again a sweet testimony of his love, grace, and sweet forgiveness! I am so blessed! 

 The bones that are now in place in his ears means he can probably hear your voice as you talk to your partner and pals and sing in the car. While he’s getting used to your voice, the tiny muscles in his body, especially the ones in his back, are gaining strength, so he can straighten out a little more. And thanks to his developing facial muscles, your baby is capable of making a few expressive frowns and squints, even at this early stage. (Don’t worry, those frowns have nothing to do with the sound of your voice!) And his eyes are finally working, making small side-to-side movements and perceiving light (although the eyelids are still sealed). Peekaboo!

14 WEEKS!

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Weeks pregnant?: 14 WEEKS!!! 

Total weight gain: 11 lbs
Maternity clothes?: Still the same, moving into move leggings and boots to feel girly and cute even though I feel super fat 
Stretch marks?: Nope 

Sleep: Still light, we are getting there though with full nights sleeps, and back to some naps this week.
Best moment this week?: Seeing my lil munchkin move around like crazy and rest his/her little hand on their face like they were bored in some lecture! haha He/She definitely kicked and squirmed like crazy, so at least I know what I am feeling isnt in my head… its in my belly!! 
Miss Anything?: Not feeling sick after some smells… 😦 I hate that it makes me sick to cook sometimes
Movement?: OH YEAH!!!! 
Food cravings: APPLES
Gender: Finding out a little later than I thought since he/she moves too much, but still thinking girl, even though everyone around me say boy! 

Symptoms?: For the most part, just a little fatigued and week but all in all doing better

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  SUPER SUPER HAPPY! 
Looking forward to?: HAVING THE GENDER REVEAL!!! 🙂