Why Cant We Just Talk About It???

I have two of the most precious gifts I could ever be given, their names are Demi and Tory. I am obsessed with my girls. I love their little personalities, I love the way the laugh and smile, I love everything about them. I am that mom who blows up Instagram and Facebook with hundreds of pictures of my girls and is always beaming with joy for my sweet babies. I am that mom who puts up that perfect little life with her sweet little miracles all over the place, because that is what people need to see, no one wants to know the hardships on the other side of that computer screen, and we sure as anything don’t want to talk about it. 

I remember so vividly the day I snapped with my first daughter, the day I had no joy, the day I looked at her and wished I could take her back. I called my husband who was in Pensacola for work and begged him to come home, I couldn’t look at her. She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t moody, she wasn’t anything, she just laid there looking at me, and I didn’t want her. 

Fast-forward 22 months and my second daughter Tory is born. Surely this is something that I should be able to handle, I mean we have been there before right? I know all the symptoms, I know all the signs and we know what do to do to take care of it. It hit like a freight train, but this time, I took it out on my oldest, instead of the newest little one. My oldest daughter was hit with so much change and now her mommy couldn’t handle being around her again. Everything she did bothered me, I was annoyed at everything and couldn’t help but be so angry at her all the time. My husband kept saying he doesn’t recognize who I am because I am so angry all the time, not even sad, just angry. 

My baby is 11 weeks old. I am still battling emotions and the anger every single day. I have often wondered why this is something we don’t talk about, why this is something just swept under the rug and pushed aside. I think some of it can be that we are so afraid that we will be seen as ungrateful for this beautiful little miracle we have been given, while so many crave to be a mother, I think the other part is that you just don’t talk about those sort of things, but why not? 

Could you imagine the impact just feeling like you can openly talk about postpartum depression would have on so many moms? Letting them know they aren’t alone, you are not crazy, you are not a horrible person for thinking what you are and its ok to say it out loud so you can get help. I wish I could go back and look at myself after my first pregnancy and say all of those things, just to help me realize I wasn’t crazy or a horrible mom. I have to talk to myself daily and tell me those things even now, when I just want to disappear in the night and leave it all behind, when I struggle with everything that comes with being a mom of two girls. 

If I could say anything to myself before the girls or after it would be this: 

Dear Mommy, 

It is ok, being a mom is hard. People acting like it is easy or they have it all together, they don’t. You are going to experience so many emotions, so many thoughts and are going to think you are the worst person on this planet, you’re not. You are not the first person to have these thoughts or experience these emotions, and you won’t be the last. It’s called postpartum depression for a reason, you just had so much change in your body and now in your life, it will never be just you and your husband again, but those sweet little miracles are so worth it. You are going to struggle, you are going to want to run away, you are going to wish you could turn back time and make it all go away, you are going to look at that little face and sometimes you may hate it, but don’t allow those emotions to take you over. TALK TO SOMEONE. Know you are not alone. Don’t listen to the age old saying of “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” or “be grateful for what you have,” you are grateful, but you are also going through something so huge right now, and something that can be so dangerous if you don’t just talk about it. People who are telling you that have never walked through this, and you cannot hate them for it, you have to understand they do not know what is happening to you right now. It is ok to go lock yourself in a dark room and cry and scream, it’s ok to be angry, it is not ok to let it consume you and take away these precious moments you have so little time to enjoy. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, be honest about them. Don’t be afraid of what people will think, what matters right now is not what they think of you, but getting you better so you can enjoy these babies. You are a wonderful mom, and the first step in being a wonderful mom is taking care of yourself, so do just that, take care of yourself. Talk to your husband, he is there for a reason, and he wants to be there for you. Talk to other moms, I can promise you, you will find someone who has walked through it too. Don’t be ashamed, be proud that you are taking action. Now stand up and do something about it, admit you have it, or it will consume you. You have to much good in your life to allow this dark place to take over. Seek help, be open and start fighting this now. 

 

I still have my crazy thoughts, but they are less now. I still get angry, but I go to another room and just let it out but refuse to take it out on my babies if I can help it. I so wish this was something we weren’t ashamed to talk about. I wish moms were open about their emotions, their fears, their struggles, but that doesn’t fit this world we live in where our stories are so perfectly and strategically told on social media, where we try and be what the internet and other moms tell us we should be without realizing our experiences, our lives, our kids are all different and we are just trying to be the best mom we can be. Instead we sit back post our perfect pregnancy and motherhood experiences, waiting and hoping for someone to reach out and dig deeper.

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Tory – One Month

IMG_2241Sweet Tory Kate was weighing in at 7lbs 15oz and 20 1/4 inches long on April 13th, exactly one month later she is already beating her big sister in size when Demi was 2 months old! Cannot believe how big my baby girl is already and how alert. She loves to hold her head up and listen to Demi talk to her. She is a pro at eating and sleeping, and mostly loves sleeping in her swing. Just like her daddy and big sister, girlfriend loves to sleep and at one month is already sleeping about 6 hours a night, which makes me very thankful for such awesome sleepy babies! And just like her big sister she hates being swaddled and that pesky blue bulb!

I love watching my two little babies together, and nothing makes me happier than Demi-Girl’s absolute love for her baby sister! We are so blessed with our two little babies and I cannot wait to watch them become the best of friends.

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3 Months ~ August 27, 2013

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3 MONTHS… I cannot believe how big she is getting! Miss priss is all of 23 inches long and 13 pounds 4 ounces. 

LOVES: 

* We have discovered that our thumbs and hands are so much fun to put in our mouth and just go to town! We can actually hear her in her room at night just sucking away! 

* Our new thing is baseball and football! It makes me smile to see how drawn into the TV she gets into when either is on TV! 

* SHE LOVES READING!!! Demi gets so into books whenever we pull them out and start reading. She follows along with all of the pages  and loves looking at the pictures. 

* Just like she did in the belly, she is a kicker! She will kick all covers off of her, kick until she comes out of her swing and kick her little piano keys on her playmat. She also will kick when she is unhappy and that one actually hurts at times! 🙂 

NEW DISCOVERIES: 

* FEET! She is starting to try and move her feet close enough for her to grab them, they are her newest obsession! She is getting close to grabbing them! 

* She has discovered that her tongue is a fun thing to play with by sticking it out at mommy and daddy whenever she sees ours! She loves imitating those little motions.

* Her arms have some serious power! If she is unhappy with something all of the sudden in the car, you will hear her Wubba hit the other door because she has thrown it! She is learning that kind of gets our attention. 

* She isnt rolling over yet, but she will turn and spin on her back all day long and that moves her around the room pretty well! 

* She is very curious as to who the little girl in the mirror is when we walk by, she really enjoys making faces at herself!

DISLIKES: 

* Apple Juice, she will spit that stuff out of her mouth all day long and make this mean little face of “what the heck is this?”

* Being still…. apparently it is the worst thing ever!!

* Teeth, little munchkin is starting to chew on everything and cry a lot because her little gums are preparing for her teeth to start popping in.. she is not a fan! 

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I am so blessed to be watching this sweet girl grow and begin to have such personality and crazy faces! Her smiles and little laughs are making this become more and more fun! She is my little road trip companion as I drive home and study/learn from my dad to get ready for the CPA exam… and she adores just hanging out with Muddy and Papi while mommy works! 

I knew being a mom would have its ups and downs, but I could have never imagined the amount of joy this face brings me everyday, the amazingly even stronger bond its created between Michael and I, along with this little girl giving me so much drive and motivation to make myself better and give her the opportunities to be everything she could want to be! I am so grateful! 

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23 Weeks… And a VERY active baby girl

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Weeks pregnant?: TWENTY-THREE!!!!

Maternity clothes?: As many of them as I can get, the belly is growing like crazy! Its still so weird for me to look up and see this stomach that was not there a few short months ago

Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: UNISOM

Best moment this week?: Having been blessed with a job that is super excited for me to be pregnant and is working around my doctors appointments and will allow me to bring Demi into work some after I have her! It really has been wonderful for us

Miss Anything?: CLOTHES and HEELS!!! I still miss my skinny jeans, I miss being able to grab the size 2/4’s off the rack and oh yeah I miss clothes that dont have elastic! Everyone says I look cute preggers but I feel a little bloaded and bleh. I REALLY miss shoesI feel like my feet and my heels are not thebest of friends right now, I can still wear them I just have to kick them off more than I used to

Movement?: ummmm maybe I should maintain the consistent ALL THE TIME!!! I heard it best this morning, you took two college athletes who are still extremely active and they made a child, what else do you expect… you know when the doctor cant find a heart beat on the doppler because she moves too much to hear one that you are in a TON of trouble!

Food cravings: apples, tons of apples and grapes with the occasional Snyders honey mustard and onion pretzel lol

Gender: GIRL!!!!

Symptoms?: Swelling…. lots of it. I am drinking well over 10 glasses of water a day and still swelling so much, cut out salt, still swelling, its really annoying!

Belly Button in or out?: We are at a half and half point, it is starting to definitely get closer and closer to being an outie…

Wedding rings on or off?: On :) 

Happy or Moody most of the time?:  A little bit of everything lately, I cried when I couldnt see my feet anymore if I stood at attention! Haha I have to keep telling myself my mom popped with me and was super big and all stomach because I am feeling all sorts of emotions about the weight gain but am lucky enough to have a husband who is still helping me with weights/walking and zumba so its at least keeping somewhat sane!

Looking forward to?: 3rd TRIMESTER!!!!!!!!

What Demi Is Up Too:

This week our sweet baby girl is still sitting at 11 inches, but is weighing in at 1.3 pounds!Oour little doll-sized babe is about to chub up a bit more too. Her saggy skin will start to fit her frame as fat deposits fill things out. Beginning this week, she’ll start to pack on the pounds and by month’s end she’ll be double the weight he is now (though I won’t be — whew!). Right now, our sweet Demi’s organs and bones are visible through her skin, which has a red hue due to developing veins and arteries beneath. But once those fat deposits settle in, she’ll become less transparent.

22 Weeks!!!

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Weeks pregnant?: TWENTY-TWO!!!! I keep missing weeks here and there, I need to get better at that

Maternity clothes?: Saturday morning we hit the good morning what the heck is that moment, my stomach had pooched  even more so we are officially just about all maternity! 
Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: Well the doctor says Demi is preparing me for sleepless nights….
Best moment this week?: Having Michael feel her kick for the first time!!! The best moment ever… Going to Gainesville and seeing all the cute stuff my mom got her (the girl already has her first Juicy outfit) and getting to see everyone at James Moore, it was pretty much a ton of great moments this week
Miss Anything?: CLOTHES!!! I miss my cute little clothes
Movement?: This is definitely my child, she is non stop
Food cravings: Apples and chicken wings… random yes
Gender: GIRL!!!!

Symptoms?: You name it I am pretty much feeling it right now! 

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  Super crazy happy! 
Looking forward to?: Having my mommy come up and help me decorate

What Demi Is Up Too: 

This week, our sweet baby girl weighs in at a whopping pound and measures nearly 11 inches, about the size of a small doll, or spaghetti squash! 😉 But our little doll (who now has eyebrows, eyelashes, and maybe even some hair on that little head) is one who can now perceive light and dark. She can also hear our voice, my heartbeat, my gurgling stomach, and the whoosh-whoosh of blood circulating through my body. And as her brain and nerve endings develop, she may reach for her face (or whatever she can reach) just to experiment with her newfound sense of touch.

20 WEEKS: Half Way There!

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Weeks pregnant?: THE BIG 20 HALF WAY POINT!!!!   

Total weight gain: 16 pounds
Maternity clothes?: Demi has decided to grow TONS so we have had the belly expanding a ton lately 
Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: I think Unisom is my new bestest friend
Best moment this week?: I would have to say registering for all of Demi’s cute little stuff 
Miss Anything?: Not much this week! 
Movement?: This girl is ALWAYS on the go 
Food cravings: Chicken, chicken and chicken
Gender: SWEET GIRL!!!!

Symptoms?: Back aches and some major smell aversions, more than even the first trimester

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  Super excited for our little girl!!! 
Looking forward to?: Planning everything out with Michael and mom!! 

WHAT DEMI IS DOING!!! 

Making sense. Demi is truly starting to experience the world around her, limited though it may be. Her brain has been working overtime developing the nerve centers dedicated to her senses, and they’re coming alive. She’s more responsive to the changes in the world around her: my activity, sounds in the environment, and even the taste of the amniotic fluid. 

Pick up a hiccup. You’ve probably felt your baby rolling, diving, and kicking inside your belly. Now you might also feel a rhythmic jerking. No, she’s not tapping out a tune; she’s hiccupping. Most babies get the hiccups in utero, possibly due to an immature diaphragm having spasms. There’s nothing you can do to stop the hiccups, but there’s no need to—they won’t harm your baby now or after she’s born. 

18 WEEKS… and a New Year!

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Weeks pregnant?: 18 WEEKS! (missed my 17 weeker! The past month has been CRAZY!) 

Total weight gain: 10.5 pounds
Maternity clothes?: Still just jeans and a couple of shirts, the belly band helps with a lot but moving into some dresses and what not to feel a little more girlie since sweatpants and stretchy pants have become my favorite article off clothing… I swear there has to be one GIANT baby in there. 
Stretch marks?: Negative, and I am lotioning it up to make sure it stays that way

Sleep: I still toss and turn like crazy and wake up sometimes in an absolute terror from these nightmares… this baby likes some scary dreams! 
Best moment this week?: I would say waking up one morning and seeing that my belly button was starting to pop out! Haha, I know it sounds a little dumb, but it means my munchkin is growing! 
Miss Anything?: SLEEP, oh how I miss a good nights sleep! 
Movement?: DEFINITELY!!!! I can feel movement all the time, I cannot wait till Michael can feel it too! 
Food cravings: Popsicles, oh how I want popsicles..
Gender: THIS IS THE LAST POST THE BABY WILL BE REFERRED TO AS BABY ROSS!!!! WAHOOOO

Symptoms?: Bathroom every five seconds and TONS of water… the non fun symptoms. I am starting to feel like Elizabeth Banks in What to Expect When Your Expecting and all I want is to be the cute skinny one in high heels with twins… I am hoping this means I have an angel baby… let a girl dream! lol 

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  EXTREMELY HAPPY AND EXCITED
Looking forward to?: Celebrating the New Year and the amazingness that will come with 2013! It is just crazy exciting! 

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  Contrary to the fact I cannot read my little one weighs almost 7 ounces. He or she busy flexing his/her arms and legs — movements that I will start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. The baby’s blood vessels are visible through the thin skin, and ears are now in their final position, although they’re still standing out from his/her head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around the nerves, a process that will continue for a year after the baby’s born

WHAT A YEAR!!!!! 

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I still cannot believe that this time last year I wasnt even engaged, I would be the next day, but good gracious I had no clue!!!! I am so grateful to God for the man I have been so richly blessed with! I am blown away by the man of my dreams daily! A year ago, he was nervous knowing that January 1, he would be proposing to me….CRAZY!!! In the past year, we have gotten engaged, walked down the isle and said “I Do”, moved to Tallahassee because God blessed us with a wonderful new job… in the midst of that move found out we were expecting after years of knowing it would be “impossible” all the while a man who stood by my side not caring because he knew God would provide, and good gracious did he ever! I am blown away by the gifts of this past year and I will ever be grateful to my wonderful Savior for all of the love and mercy He has shown me, especially through the man He brought into my life to show me exactly what I put in my wedding vows…. Michael, you are a testimony of Gods love and redemption and grace in life and I will forever be in awe of my savior for the sweet gift that you are, remembering that our marriage is a sweet testimony of Christ’s love for his church. Happy New Year Everyone and I hope 2013 is a blessed year!! 

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God’s Wonderful Gift

Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE BABIES! I know that while I love my job and bust my butt for my company, my hearts desire is to be a wonderful wife and a mom one day, but while that may be my hearts desire, I honestly cannot remember a time, even through all of the births in my family and all of the little ones I adore so much, I dont recall a single time since my baby brother being at the hospital right after the baby was born until today.

Today, I met my beautiful niece, Robyn Marie Hall, 8lbs, 10oz, 19.5 inches long and absolutely gorgeous! I was the first one to hold her after Rebekah and Nathan (her mom and dad) and it brought tears to my eyes to see this beautiful little girl who God so perfectly made and already has a wonderful plan for her life (thats why she has the wonderful parents she does).

Rebekah is truly the sister I never had growing up. She was the first family member I met and the one I became closest to the fastest, when things go crazy, I call her, when I needed to just cry before the wedding, I would call her, she has been the most wonderful blessing and the sweetest sister I could have ever asked for. I was blessed enough to know about Robyn before anyone else in the family (outside of parents of Rebekah and Nathan), because Rebekah was feeling sick before a crafts festival, I was sworn to keep it a secret and I felt so special in knowing, especially since Michael and I werent engaged yet, it showed Rebekah’s love and trust in me in such a short time. That meant so much to me when she told me, and then today that feeling was multiplied, when she looked at me first and asked me if I wanted to hold my new niece! 🙂

I couldnt help all day today running around work and showing off the pictures of this beautiful little girl, but even more than that, I couldnt help but look at how beautifully and wonderfully made we all are. It truly brought me to such a standstill of awe and grace for my Savior. He made this little miracle I was holding in His image and to hold her just an hour old, knowing a little over an hour ago she wasnt here, was such a humbling experience.

Before I was born, God knew my parents were going to have a rollercoaster ride of a daughter, someone who would try their patience and sanctify them daily, but end the end, would be their baby girl. Before I was born, God knew the perfect man for me was Michael Frank Ross, and while it may take time to find him, He was going to work on both of us during that time of searching, bringing us together and both of our families to allow me to be so blessed by my own family, but be brought into his like I had always been a part of it. More than anything, God allowed me to see this morning that before I was even thought of by my parents, God was going to call me to this beautiful and wonderful life that I am blessed enough to live, and call me His own.

Its amazing what a wonderful sister (I cannot even begin to call her my sister-in-law because she has truly been a sister) and her sweet little addition to her already precious family can show you at 10:30 in the morning. God can even use a newborn baby to make you see so much of His grace, love, and absolute majesty, and I am so humbled by it!

What a difference a year can make

Looking back at this picture, I have so many wonderful memories!!! My baby brother was back from Paris and meeting this guy I really liked, Alli was stuck riding in the care back home with me and Michael and our slightly goofy still honeymoonesq relationship, we were all celebrating my dads birthday, and Michael and I knew we wanted to start a relationship, BUT he had to do one little thing, ask my dad permission.

After years of dating/liking guys that my dad was able to call from the moment he met them, I finally came to the conclusion that the next guy I date has to talk to him first, because he has been able to pick them out fast than I ever could and I dont want anymore heartbreak.

When I met Michael it was butterflies from the getgo. He made me laugh, nonstop, and if you have spent more than 5 seconds with him, you know this isnt something I am just saying, he is seriously hilarious! I really liked him and just wanted to be with him all the time… I guess he felt the same because when he asked about making everything official, I told him he had to go through one person first, and that was my dad.

Most guys at this point ran away and said no thank you, Michael said, “parents love me…” and in a slight bit of pressure from me, asked my dad permission to date me after his birthday dinner once we got home. I am so thankful for all the questions and requests my dad had for Michael because from that day on, he made sure that he led me, and really strived to make sure that God was at the forefront of our relationship! I am so blessed looking back at this time last year, because in the month before it,  God had done so much in my life to prepare me for th extremely fun/quick rollercoaster I was stepping on.

Exactly one year later, I have been married to this man for one month and 8 days, my baby brother is moving to Africa in less than 2 months and I had the privledge of growing close to Alli and having her sing in our wedding one of the most gorgeous songs that truly represented the communion we were taking. I am so blessed for the wonderful things that have happened in the past year and cant help but look at this and say that it was truly the beginning of such a beautiful journey, that becomes more and more fun everyday.

I thank God daily for His beautiful and perfect timing and am so grateful He never gave me what I desired, but made me wait for the things He desired for me.

Now one year later, we were able to celebrate that night by me surprising him in a trip to Berns in Tampa and having a wonderful date night and looking back at where we were and the wonderful place that we are along with the beautiful journey ahead! I love you Michael Frank!

What A Year

One year ago today, I went on my first date with the man that would be my husband 11 months later! The picture was from two days later at the fireworks in Alachua, with my lil cousin Jackson. Who knew that a year later we would be married, planning our lives together, getting ready to move into our first house with our little family! God has blessed up so much and we are forever grateful for all He has done! What a wonderful day to start actually using the blog I planned on starting 2 years ago when I wanted to study abroad. Thank goodness for plans falling through the cracks and God using those disappointments to prepare me to meet my future husband July 2, 2011. I am so beyond grateful for this past year, the growth I have made in both my walk with my Savior and the wife I am becoming. I cannot wait for this beautiful journey that we are starting on and I am so grateful for Gods perfect timing!