Why Cant We Just Talk About It???

I have two of the most precious gifts I could ever be given, their names are Demi and Tory. I am obsessed with my girls. I love their little personalities, I love the way the laugh and smile, I love everything about them. I am that mom who blows up Instagram and Facebook with hundreds of pictures of my girls and is always beaming with joy for my sweet babies. I am that mom who puts up that perfect little life with her sweet little miracles all over the place, because that is what people need to see, no one wants to know the hardships on the other side of that computer screen, and we sure as anything don’t want to talk about it. 

I remember so vividly the day I snapped with my first daughter, the day I had no joy, the day I looked at her and wished I could take her back. I called my husband who was in Pensacola for work and begged him to come home, I couldn’t look at her. She wasn’t crying, she wasn’t moody, she wasn’t anything, she just laid there looking at me, and I didn’t want her. 

Fast-forward 22 months and my second daughter Tory is born. Surely this is something that I should be able to handle, I mean we have been there before right? I know all the symptoms, I know all the signs and we know what do to do to take care of it. It hit like a freight train, but this time, I took it out on my oldest, instead of the newest little one. My oldest daughter was hit with so much change and now her mommy couldn’t handle being around her again. Everything she did bothered me, I was annoyed at everything and couldn’t help but be so angry at her all the time. My husband kept saying he doesn’t recognize who I am because I am so angry all the time, not even sad, just angry. 

My baby is 11 weeks old. I am still battling emotions and the anger every single day. I have often wondered why this is something we don’t talk about, why this is something just swept under the rug and pushed aside. I think some of it can be that we are so afraid that we will be seen as ungrateful for this beautiful little miracle we have been given, while so many crave to be a mother, I think the other part is that you just don’t talk about those sort of things, but why not? 

Could you imagine the impact just feeling like you can openly talk about postpartum depression would have on so many moms? Letting them know they aren’t alone, you are not crazy, you are not a horrible person for thinking what you are and its ok to say it out loud so you can get help. I wish I could go back and look at myself after my first pregnancy and say all of those things, just to help me realize I wasn’t crazy or a horrible mom. I have to talk to myself daily and tell me those things even now, when I just want to disappear in the night and leave it all behind, when I struggle with everything that comes with being a mom of two girls. 

If I could say anything to myself before the girls or after it would be this: 

Dear Mommy, 

It is ok, being a mom is hard. People acting like it is easy or they have it all together, they don’t. You are going to experience so many emotions, so many thoughts and are going to think you are the worst person on this planet, you’re not. You are not the first person to have these thoughts or experience these emotions, and you won’t be the last. It’s called postpartum depression for a reason, you just had so much change in your body and now in your life, it will never be just you and your husband again, but those sweet little miracles are so worth it. You are going to struggle, you are going to want to run away, you are going to wish you could turn back time and make it all go away, you are going to look at that little face and sometimes you may hate it, but don’t allow those emotions to take you over. TALK TO SOMEONE. Know you are not alone. Don’t listen to the age old saying of “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” or “be grateful for what you have,” you are grateful, but you are also going through something so huge right now, and something that can be so dangerous if you don’t just talk about it. People who are telling you that have never walked through this, and you cannot hate them for it, you have to understand they do not know what is happening to you right now. It is ok to go lock yourself in a dark room and cry and scream, it’s ok to be angry, it is not ok to let it consume you and take away these precious moments you have so little time to enjoy. Don’t be ashamed of your feelings, be honest about them. Don’t be afraid of what people will think, what matters right now is not what they think of you, but getting you better so you can enjoy these babies. You are a wonderful mom, and the first step in being a wonderful mom is taking care of yourself, so do just that, take care of yourself. Talk to your husband, he is there for a reason, and he wants to be there for you. Talk to other moms, I can promise you, you will find someone who has walked through it too. Don’t be ashamed, be proud that you are taking action. Now stand up and do something about it, admit you have it, or it will consume you. You have to much good in your life to allow this dark place to take over. Seek help, be open and start fighting this now. 

 

I still have my crazy thoughts, but they are less now. I still get angry, but I go to another room and just let it out but refuse to take it out on my babies if I can help it. I so wish this was something we weren’t ashamed to talk about. I wish moms were open about their emotions, their fears, their struggles, but that doesn’t fit this world we live in where our stories are so perfectly and strategically told on social media, where we try and be what the internet and other moms tell us we should be without realizing our experiences, our lives, our kids are all different and we are just trying to be the best mom we can be. Instead we sit back post our perfect pregnancy and motherhood experiences, waiting and hoping for someone to reach out and dig deeper.

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Tory – One Month

IMG_2241Sweet Tory Kate was weighing in at 7lbs 15oz and 20 1/4 inches long on April 13th, exactly one month later she is already beating her big sister in size when Demi was 2 months old! Cannot believe how big my baby girl is already and how alert. She loves to hold her head up and listen to Demi talk to her. She is a pro at eating and sleeping, and mostly loves sleeping in her swing. Just like her daddy and big sister, girlfriend loves to sleep and at one month is already sleeping about 6 hours a night, which makes me very thankful for such awesome sleepy babies! And just like her big sister she hates being swaddled and that pesky blue bulb!

I love watching my two little babies together, and nothing makes me happier than Demi-Girl’s absolute love for her baby sister! We are so blessed with our two little babies and I cannot wait to watch them become the best of friends.

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Forget Support, We Just Hope For No Judgment

Its so funny to me how when you have a kid, this is supposed to be such an amazing and happy time. Sure its a sleepless time where you are covered in spit up and poop so much you usually walk around in shorts and a sports bra, but hey even with those bags under your eyes and that stench of spit up or poop (not quite sure which one sometimes) its still a beautiful time, until the opinions start to come out.

For us the opinions started while I was pregnant, the ones of “I cannot believe you are going to have an epidural and put drugs into your baby” or “You are taking medicine while pregnant? Don’t you know what that will do to your kid?” Why yes, yes I do, my doctor told me what it will do, NOTHING, which is why he prescribed it because trust me this morning sickness is so bad if I don’t take this I will be in the same pjs until I give birth. At some point I just stopped saying anything back and would nod my head but good gracious the grief we began to get after we had Demi. I will never forget the first time someone was absolutely appalled that I had a c-section, like I had done sort of disservice to my child. I just wanted to scream “Lady, I had been in labor for 83 hours and was still only 3.5 cm, at that point what am I supposed to do?” My daughters heart rate was dropping, as was mine, they had me on oxygen and on top of that I was pre-eclamptic, had high levels of uric acid and toxemia, at what point is it ok for a woman to have a c-section and not be judged?

Breastfeeding was another big one, where people assumed that I didn’t try hard enough or take enough action with the lactation nurse, and I wasn’t giving my daughter the best shot at a good immune system. Yeah, I had gained well over 100lbs during my pregnancy, had been in the hospital 5 extra days after Demi was born with lactation nurses and when I got home was suffering from post-pardum so badly that it was making me resent my child for not latching and making me feel like I was a complete and utter failure for not being able to breastfeed my daughter.

Those two situations alone were enough to make me go crazy, I won’t even get started on the fact that I vaccinate my child and my husband works for a pharmaceutical company so that makes us all sorts of evil, but I digress. At what point did moms feel the need to become so judgmental and so condescending over the way someone is taking care of their child, or the medical procedures we choose to have. Now that Michael and I are thinking about baby number 2, the fact that I am not even willing to give a natural birth a thought after what I went through makes some moms cringe, and all I want to say is “you know what makes me cringe, natural birth. Please enjoy the labor I had and see if you are so willing to jump on that crazy train again.”

While I do have this awesome support system of a few moms who I love dearly and do life with as much as possible, its the moms that I don’t even know or the ones you haven’t seen in forever on social media that make you feel completely inadequate. Its like this whole social media thing has made people who would not be this confrontational in public all the sudden feel like they can scream their beliefs from the rooftops with the ability to hide behind their keyboard.

This whole being a mom thing shouldn’t be something where we feel condemnation or like we are failing because of our life choices with our children or how we gave birth to our children, because we all have this one major, absolutely beautiful thing in common… we are doing what we each think is best for our child and making sure we are doing everything we can to make sure they grow up happy, healthy and loved. Vaccinations, C-Sections, Natural Birth, No Vaccines, Breast Feeding, Formula, SAHM, Working Mom, it doesn’t matter the title, the choice or the belief, we should be able to surround each other with love and support for one another, not bashing and berating thinking that will suddenly make them come around to your way of thinking, because it won’t. As my husband and I sit here thinking about me re-entering the workforce, I am terrified of the inevitable responses of how a daycare is going to raise my child, or she must not be my priority that I know friends have heard, and as I started thinking about that, I wondered why we have become so callous to one another.

I am far from perfect. I mess up all the time, numerous times a day. Whether its the realization that I have been doing dishes and its been quiet too long only to find my poop covered 14 month old dancing in the living room playing with her dirty diaper, or realizing that those aren’t puffs she is eating but the dogs food, we should be able to come together, laugh, support, love and vent to each other about the every day craziness that are the little minions we call our children. No one understands what it is to be a mom better than other moms, and if we can’t go to other moms with our fears, tears, joys and excitement without views, opinions and judgements being shoved down our throat, who can we turn to? There is hardly a greater joy in this world that I have experienced then that slightly crazy, constantly gabbing, kitchen wrecking, Lonely Island loving, daredevil 14 month old we have loving dubbed the CEO of our house. Why not share in that joy with others who feel the same about their kid, may think a little differently than you and do things different as well, but hey you have one amazingly beautiful thing in common if nothing else, we are all moms!

 

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3 Months ~ August 27, 2013

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3 MONTHS… I cannot believe how big she is getting! Miss priss is all of 23 inches long and 13 pounds 4 ounces. 

LOVES: 

* We have discovered that our thumbs and hands are so much fun to put in our mouth and just go to town! We can actually hear her in her room at night just sucking away! 

* Our new thing is baseball and football! It makes me smile to see how drawn into the TV she gets into when either is on TV! 

* SHE LOVES READING!!! Demi gets so into books whenever we pull them out and start reading. She follows along with all of the pages  and loves looking at the pictures. 

* Just like she did in the belly, she is a kicker! She will kick all covers off of her, kick until she comes out of her swing and kick her little piano keys on her playmat. She also will kick when she is unhappy and that one actually hurts at times! 🙂 

NEW DISCOVERIES: 

* FEET! She is starting to try and move her feet close enough for her to grab them, they are her newest obsession! She is getting close to grabbing them! 

* She has discovered that her tongue is a fun thing to play with by sticking it out at mommy and daddy whenever she sees ours! She loves imitating those little motions.

* Her arms have some serious power! If she is unhappy with something all of the sudden in the car, you will hear her Wubba hit the other door because she has thrown it! She is learning that kind of gets our attention. 

* She isnt rolling over yet, but she will turn and spin on her back all day long and that moves her around the room pretty well! 

* She is very curious as to who the little girl in the mirror is when we walk by, she really enjoys making faces at herself!

DISLIKES: 

* Apple Juice, she will spit that stuff out of her mouth all day long and make this mean little face of “what the heck is this?”

* Being still…. apparently it is the worst thing ever!!

* Teeth, little munchkin is starting to chew on everything and cry a lot because her little gums are preparing for her teeth to start popping in.. she is not a fan! 

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I am so blessed to be watching this sweet girl grow and begin to have such personality and crazy faces! Her smiles and little laughs are making this become more and more fun! She is my little road trip companion as I drive home and study/learn from my dad to get ready for the CPA exam… and she adores just hanging out with Muddy and Papi while mommy works! 

I knew being a mom would have its ups and downs, but I could have never imagined the amount of joy this face brings me everyday, the amazingly even stronger bond its created between Michael and I, along with this little girl giving me so much drive and motivation to make myself better and give her the opportunities to be everything she could want to be! I am so grateful! 

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23 Weeks… And a VERY active baby girl

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Weeks pregnant?: TWENTY-THREE!!!!

Maternity clothes?: As many of them as I can get, the belly is growing like crazy! Its still so weird for me to look up and see this stomach that was not there a few short months ago

Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: UNISOM

Best moment this week?: Having been blessed with a job that is super excited for me to be pregnant and is working around my doctors appointments and will allow me to bring Demi into work some after I have her! It really has been wonderful for us

Miss Anything?: CLOTHES and HEELS!!! I still miss my skinny jeans, I miss being able to grab the size 2/4’s off the rack and oh yeah I miss clothes that dont have elastic! Everyone says I look cute preggers but I feel a little bloaded and bleh. I REALLY miss shoesI feel like my feet and my heels are not thebest of friends right now, I can still wear them I just have to kick them off more than I used to

Movement?: ummmm maybe I should maintain the consistent ALL THE TIME!!! I heard it best this morning, you took two college athletes who are still extremely active and they made a child, what else do you expect… you know when the doctor cant find a heart beat on the doppler because she moves too much to hear one that you are in a TON of trouble!

Food cravings: apples, tons of apples and grapes with the occasional Snyders honey mustard and onion pretzel lol

Gender: GIRL!!!!

Symptoms?: Swelling…. lots of it. I am drinking well over 10 glasses of water a day and still swelling so much, cut out salt, still swelling, its really annoying!

Belly Button in or out?: We are at a half and half point, it is starting to definitely get closer and closer to being an outie…

Wedding rings on or off?: On :) 

Happy or Moody most of the time?:  A little bit of everything lately, I cried when I couldnt see my feet anymore if I stood at attention! Haha I have to keep telling myself my mom popped with me and was super big and all stomach because I am feeling all sorts of emotions about the weight gain but am lucky enough to have a husband who is still helping me with weights/walking and zumba so its at least keeping somewhat sane!

Looking forward to?: 3rd TRIMESTER!!!!!!!!

What Demi Is Up Too:

This week our sweet baby girl is still sitting at 11 inches, but is weighing in at 1.3 pounds!Oour little doll-sized babe is about to chub up a bit more too. Her saggy skin will start to fit her frame as fat deposits fill things out. Beginning this week, she’ll start to pack on the pounds and by month’s end she’ll be double the weight he is now (though I won’t be — whew!). Right now, our sweet Demi’s organs and bones are visible through her skin, which has a red hue due to developing veins and arteries beneath. But once those fat deposits settle in, she’ll become less transparent.

22 Weeks!!!

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Weeks pregnant?: TWENTY-TWO!!!! I keep missing weeks here and there, I need to get better at that

Maternity clothes?: Saturday morning we hit the good morning what the heck is that moment, my stomach had pooched  even more so we are officially just about all maternity! 
Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: Well the doctor says Demi is preparing me for sleepless nights….
Best moment this week?: Having Michael feel her kick for the first time!!! The best moment ever… Going to Gainesville and seeing all the cute stuff my mom got her (the girl already has her first Juicy outfit) and getting to see everyone at James Moore, it was pretty much a ton of great moments this week
Miss Anything?: CLOTHES!!! I miss my cute little clothes
Movement?: This is definitely my child, she is non stop
Food cravings: Apples and chicken wings… random yes
Gender: GIRL!!!!

Symptoms?: You name it I am pretty much feeling it right now! 

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  Super crazy happy! 
Looking forward to?: Having my mommy come up and help me decorate

What Demi Is Up Too: 

This week, our sweet baby girl weighs in at a whopping pound and measures nearly 11 inches, about the size of a small doll, or spaghetti squash! 😉 But our little doll (who now has eyebrows, eyelashes, and maybe even some hair on that little head) is one who can now perceive light and dark. She can also hear our voice, my heartbeat, my gurgling stomach, and the whoosh-whoosh of blood circulating through my body. And as her brain and nerve endings develop, she may reach for her face (or whatever she can reach) just to experiment with her newfound sense of touch.

20 WEEKS: Half Way There!

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Weeks pregnant?: THE BIG 20 HALF WAY POINT!!!!   

Total weight gain: 16 pounds
Maternity clothes?: Demi has decided to grow TONS so we have had the belly expanding a ton lately 
Stretch marks?: Nope

Sleep: I think Unisom is my new bestest friend
Best moment this week?: I would have to say registering for all of Demi’s cute little stuff 
Miss Anything?: Not much this week! 
Movement?: This girl is ALWAYS on the go 
Food cravings: Chicken, chicken and chicken
Gender: SWEET GIRL!!!!

Symptoms?: Back aches and some major smell aversions, more than even the first trimester

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  Super excited for our little girl!!! 
Looking forward to?: Planning everything out with Michael and mom!! 

WHAT DEMI IS DOING!!! 

Making sense. Demi is truly starting to experience the world around her, limited though it may be. Her brain has been working overtime developing the nerve centers dedicated to her senses, and they’re coming alive. She’s more responsive to the changes in the world around her: my activity, sounds in the environment, and even the taste of the amniotic fluid. 

Pick up a hiccup. You’ve probably felt your baby rolling, diving, and kicking inside your belly. Now you might also feel a rhythmic jerking. No, she’s not tapping out a tune; she’s hiccupping. Most babies get the hiccups in utero, possibly due to an immature diaphragm having spasms. There’s nothing you can do to stop the hiccups, but there’s no need to—they won’t harm your baby now or after she’s born. 

18 WEEKS… and a New Year!

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Weeks pregnant?: 18 WEEKS! (missed my 17 weeker! The past month has been CRAZY!) 

Total weight gain: 10.5 pounds
Maternity clothes?: Still just jeans and a couple of shirts, the belly band helps with a lot but moving into some dresses and what not to feel a little more girlie since sweatpants and stretchy pants have become my favorite article off clothing… I swear there has to be one GIANT baby in there. 
Stretch marks?: Negative, and I am lotioning it up to make sure it stays that way

Sleep: I still toss and turn like crazy and wake up sometimes in an absolute terror from these nightmares… this baby likes some scary dreams! 
Best moment this week?: I would say waking up one morning and seeing that my belly button was starting to pop out! Haha, I know it sounds a little dumb, but it means my munchkin is growing! 
Miss Anything?: SLEEP, oh how I miss a good nights sleep! 
Movement?: DEFINITELY!!!! I can feel movement all the time, I cannot wait till Michael can feel it too! 
Food cravings: Popsicles, oh how I want popsicles..
Gender: THIS IS THE LAST POST THE BABY WILL BE REFERRED TO AS BABY ROSS!!!! WAHOOOO

Symptoms?: Bathroom every five seconds and TONS of water… the non fun symptoms. I am starting to feel like Elizabeth Banks in What to Expect When Your Expecting and all I want is to be the cute skinny one in high heels with twins… I am hoping this means I have an angel baby… let a girl dream! lol 

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  EXTREMELY HAPPY AND EXCITED
Looking forward to?: Celebrating the New Year and the amazingness that will come with 2013! It is just crazy exciting! 

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  Contrary to the fact I cannot read my little one weighs almost 7 ounces. He or she busy flexing his/her arms and legs — movements that I will start noticing more and more in the weeks ahead. The baby’s blood vessels are visible through the thin skin, and ears are now in their final position, although they’re still standing out from his/her head a bit. A protective covering of myelin is beginning to form around the nerves, a process that will continue for a year after the baby’s born

WHAT A YEAR!!!!! 

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I still cannot believe that this time last year I wasnt even engaged, I would be the next day, but good gracious I had no clue!!!! I am so grateful to God for the man I have been so richly blessed with! I am blown away by the man of my dreams daily! A year ago, he was nervous knowing that January 1, he would be proposing to me….CRAZY!!! In the past year, we have gotten engaged, walked down the isle and said “I Do”, moved to Tallahassee because God blessed us with a wonderful new job… in the midst of that move found out we were expecting after years of knowing it would be “impossible” all the while a man who stood by my side not caring because he knew God would provide, and good gracious did he ever! I am blown away by the gifts of this past year and I will ever be grateful to my wonderful Savior for all of the love and mercy He has shown me, especially through the man He brought into my life to show me exactly what I put in my wedding vows…. Michael, you are a testimony of Gods love and redemption and grace in life and I will forever be in awe of my savior for the sweet gift that you are, remembering that our marriage is a sweet testimony of Christ’s love for his church. Happy New Year Everyone and I hope 2013 is a blessed year!! 

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16 Weeks!

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Weeks pregnant?: 16 WEEKS! (whoopsie missed my 15 weeker!) 

Total weight gain: 11.5 lbs
Maternity clothes?: Michael spoiled me a little and bought me some cute tops and jeans because the belly is getting a little out of control! Its crazy! Still size small and xtra small in maternity clothes but this lil/big belly just keeps on growing!
Stretch marks?: Negative

Sleep: I wish, poor Michael wakes up wondering if he made me mad but finds me downstairs on the couch because I couldnt sleep.
Best moment this week?: I would have to say stopping by James Moore and seeing everyone I used to work with and having them see the belly and hug me and congratulate me even more, it may not have a lot to do with the baby, but they were all such a massive part of my life when it came to just love and support that seeing them made me a happy mommy!! 
Miss Anything?: Non-maternity skinny jeans, I still fit into my old ones with the belly band but dont feel confident in them so rarely wear them. 
Movement?: DEFINITELY!!! Started to feel a little extra movement this morning in church!
Food cravings: CHICKEN MARSALA THIS WEEK!! and gracious did I cook a ton of it!
Gender: Finding out in just a few more weeks

Symptoms?: Everything but movement! God gracious, eating 6 small meals a day and sucking back about 13 glasses of water and another 5 of gatorade! haha I am always thirsty

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On :)  
Happy or Moody most of the time?:  EXTREMELY HAPPY
Looking forward to?: Christmas with my family and the belly celebrating such a wonderful blessing our lives!!! 

Being that I am just overwhelmed by the amazingness that God has happening in my in my big/little belly, I am in awe of the description of what is happening this week! I am still so grateful and floored that God would bless Michael and I with this beautiful gift, a gift we never dreamed could or would happen and were completely fine with trusting in our Savior for adoption one day. This makes me even more grately to see what is hapening with my little sweet peanut inside my ever growing stomach! God is so amazingly merciful and gracious, and this baby just like Michael is once again a sweet testimony of his love, grace, and sweet forgiveness! I am so blessed! 

 The bones that are now in place in his ears means he can probably hear your voice as you talk to your partner and pals and sing in the car. While he’s getting used to your voice, the tiny muscles in his body, especially the ones in his back, are gaining strength, so he can straighten out a little more. And thanks to his developing facial muscles, your baby is capable of making a few expressive frowns and squints, even at this early stage. (Don’t worry, those frowns have nothing to do with the sound of your voice!) And his eyes are finally working, making small side-to-side movements and perceiving light (although the eyelids are still sealed). Peekaboo!

13 WEEKS!!! Hello 2nd Trimester!

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Weeks pregnant?: 13 WEEKS!!! 

Total weight gain: Sitting at 11.2 pounds 
Maternity clothes?: Not much more than the jeans and a few tops, luckily even with the weight gain, still hanging around in the regular jeans with a belly band… on a mission to still put on size 4 anything for as long as possible!!! 
Stretch marks?: Nope 

Sleep: Lightest sleeper EVER!!!!! Oh my goodness and the dreams are so mean/weird! I think they are Michaels comic relief though! by 10:30 I am out like a light and to stay up that late is hard work!!! 
Best moment this week?: For the first time since getting pregnant being able to bust my butt working out like I wasnt! I LOVE me some Zumba! 🙂 
Miss Anything?: Not really, I did miss the whole wine amazingness at Mallory’s wedding though this weekend! 
Movement?: Just a little, I think…. Its hard to tell because my belly is getting so big so fast that I cant tell if its just stretching belly or crazy kiddo
Food cravings: CELERY!!! Oh my goodness I just want to eat celery hearts lately and carrots! Thank goodness I crave healthy stuff!!! 
Gender: FINDING OUT SOON!!!! YAY! only a few more weeks! (Girl Girl Girl, pretty little Girl!) haha I cannot wait. 

Symptoms?: Very emotional this week, I feel like everything made me cry and then some! Oh my goodness, happy tears, sad tear, I miss home tears…. I feel like a basket case. Michael is such an amazing man and just sits back and smiles and tells me how cute I am with a pouty lip and cute lil tears, I feel like I am driving him nutty but he just laughs at the craziness! Other than that, absolutely nothing to complain about! We just keep reminding ourself how amazingly blessed we are!

Belly Button in or out?: In
Wedding rings on or off?: On 🙂 
Happy or Moody most of the time?: Hmmmmmm for the most part SUPER SUPER HAPPY! I mean I have a couple emotional moments, but all in all excited, happy and just plain loving this right now! 
Looking forward to?: Our doctors appointment this week and setting the appointment for finding out what the little munchkin is!!! 

I think I still find it crazy that I have a little munchkin growing inside of me. I cannot believe after all of the emotional highs and lows I am having a baby. Our doctor after reading my chart and everything I had been told just looked at me when he walked in and asked if he could just hug me because after everything we had been through he just wanted to hug me congrats! So no matter what the emotion, tears, or craziness that may ensue, I keep reminding myself how incredible blessed we are, how we are walking proof that God is faithful to His children and is one more testimony of His sweet beautiful redemption in my life! I cannot believe how far I have come and the difference that a year can make! Reflecting on being thankful last week, all I could think about was how thankful I am that God chose to shower the trials that I walked through on me, to create the woman of faith He did, only to show His faithfulness, even in the more impossible situations! I feel so blessed and honored as each week goes by that He saw me as someone who could handle everything, come out on the other side and be a testament to His grace! There is nothing I could be more thankful for than the blessings I am far from deserving of!