Today, 6 months ago, I went on bed rest, while waiting for my sweet little Demi to decide when she felt like gracing us all with her presence. She would never get to make that decision, it would eventually be made for both of us. As I am sitting here this morning, going through my devotions and listening to this sweet girl coo and talk to herself, I am overwhelmed by the fact that both she and I are here. I look back 6 months ago with everything we were walking through, from the cord being wrapped around her little neck, to my high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia that had me so worried for both her and my safety. So many wondered why there no pictures of me holding my sweet girl after labor, or why the first picture people really saw of me and Demi together was about 2 weeks ago, well if was because of my own insecurities of what that pregnancy had done to me and my body.
I went from being this size 2-4 125 pound person to a person I barely recognized, a person that had retained so much water when they pull the IV out of my hand to put a new one in, I didn’t bleed, a person who needed a thigh blood pressure cuff to go around her arm. I was so overwhelmed with joy by the beautiful little girl I had been blessed with that I thought I may never have, all the while also having thoughts of why do I have to walk through this, why do I have to gain this crazy amount of weight and be in this situation where I had no control, I took this beautiful gift and made it about me. I cannot believe looking back on everything how self centered and selfish I had become, taking and putting so much emphasis on my physical appearance and thinking “what would people think or say when they see how big I am?” My biggest fears were would people think wow she really let herself go, when that was far from the case. I look back at this time with such disappointment in myself, but with such wonder at what God was doing in my heart. For a period of time I forgot the thing I should be most thankful for should be the fact that I am alive to see this baby grow up, that after the amount of time I was in labor that we didn’t lose me or Demi.
Now in November, I look at this healthy, happy, vibrant almost 6 month old baby girl and am more and more thankful for her. I see the way my husband has loved and encouraged me through every last bit of this craziness. Through doctors visits, medications to help with the swelling and finally finding out that all medication was doing was causing me to be more sick, realizing that losing the water weight was going to take time, because it was going to all be on me and not what doctors could do. Through this time God humbled me in such a big way, making me think twice about where my heart was and why was my outside appearance so important when I should be focusing on other things. Don’t get me wrong, that didn’t and still hasn’t taken away the desire to make sure I am working out everyday, eating right and trying to get back down to my pre-birth weight, but why was that the main focus in such a time of joy and celebration for my healthy baby girl?
Today I am thankful for what I walked through, I will always be thankful that God felt I was strong enough to take on this crazy pregnancy that was not only a gift but another way God has drawn me closer to Him. I am so thankful for all of the crazy things He has helped me overcome and watched as I drew closer to Him. I could not imagine being here without having walked through all the trials and challenges I have, because I cannot imagine such joy through every last one knowing it shaped me into the woman of God that I am.
More than 70 pounds down and only about 20-someodd to go, I look back at these past 6 months with such thankfulness for the beautiful daughter we have, for the amazing journey we are walking through and for the beautiful testimony that God is continuing to build through all of it. I cannot help but be in awe of how He is shaping my life through every trial and every amazing way He helps me through them. I am so grateful for His faithfulness and will forever be in awe that He chose me.