As I write this, I am so overwhelmed with a mixture of joy and just grace, tons and tons of grace! God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams over the past 2 years. He spent a year of it truly shaping and molding my heart to just lay all of my cares, emotions and hope in Him, preparing me to meet the love of my life and man who would become my husband when he picked me up on July 2, 2011. Less than a year after meeting Michael, I was so humbled and blessed to become his wife. After 4 months of marriage and the amazing, crazy roller-coaster it has been, we have been so blessed to hit such a beautiful moment of me saying this, WE ARE HAVING A BABY!
Before I can get to the amazingness, I really have to give God so many thanks. As many of you many know, and some of you don’t, I have been told for over 2 years now that I will not be able to have children. 2.5 years ago, as I felt so much crashing around me, I had 7 ovarian cysts rupture, ripping to shreds my reproductive system, along with those cysts I would come to be diagnosed with pelvic inflammatory disease, dysplasia and endometriosis, 3 out of 4 things that cause an ectopic pregnancy, lucky me I don’t smoke so I didn’t have the fourth. I truly felt my world crashing down, the desire of my heart for years was to be a wife and a mother, and while yes I know adoption is a wonderful option, I had such a burning desire to be able to have a child of my own as well. I spun absolutely out of control with emotions, blaming so many things, from God to myself, I wasn’t sure where to begin on that long list, and luckily I serve a wonderful God who hears my anger, but also hears my repentance in blaming Him for the situation I was in, little did I know it would shape me into such a woman of faith, more than He had ever done. For the past 2.5 years, I have been so blessed to have Phil and Kay Courson along with Mike and Cindy Gilland, pastors and their wives at Abundant Grace Community Church, lay hands on me and pray for me, consistently, as every doctors appointment came and went and the prognosis did not change, as every 3-6 months I was walking into that office just down and out, they prayed and had faith, and I am so grateful for that.
When I met Michael, we got to the point very quickly in our relationship, making sure that we weren’t wasting our time with someone who wasn’t right for us, this included our past and our testimony, the one thing I was most terrified of, but Michael showed me such love and grace when he looked me in the eye and said that’s not who you are that what helped shape the woman of God I see, with that we hit the ground running, but as we became more serious then the fear of telling him I cannot have children entered my mind, but just like the previous response, that did nothing to his love that he had for me. As we came closer and closer to our wedding day, I was so excited but at the same time, scared because I knew that he still wanted to try and have kids, but I knew also my prognosis, its not possible with what has happened to me. Well God has such a sense of humor in that 2 weeks before the wedding, I went to the doctor and all of the scaring and overall damage that was done could not be seen, but while things may look better, that didn’t mean they were and we continued with the thoughts of not having our own children, even though we would attempt, but knowing adoption was always there as the years went on.
The week of our wedding, Michael became extremely sick, and being the loving man he is, shared, and on our honeymoon I was on antibiotics and became pregnant, a crazy miracle in itself, but did not know it. I took a number of pregnancy tests and all were negative, so after a shooting pain at work, went into my doctor and found out we had a baby, but if was caught within the fallopian tube and needed to have it removed before it ruptured, I could do nothing but sob on the table in my doctors office, wondering why after 2.5 years of hearing no to children, I would find out that I have to lose this one or lose my life, it seemed like a cruel joke, but it was something God would use to minister to me through so many women in my church along with a wonderful husband who would care for me so faithfully and push me to give my emotions to my Savior and trust Him.
Now with an ectopic, I was more likely to have another and still was having major complications and decided it would be best if we left well enough alone, for my own emotions and sanity. So weeks went on and the trials/blessing came, the blessing being Michael receiving a wonderful job in Tallahassee, the trial being Tallahassee, me leaving a job I adored, my family, his family and our church family, it seemed like so much. The week we were moving, I felt so sick, I could not eat or sleep well, I asked Michael if it was maybe my cooking and he said he had felt fine, so I pulled out the pregnancy test I dreaded so much taking it knowing there was no way because we never saw the lines even with the ectopic, but before I knew it, there they were, two pink lines telling me I am going to be a mommy. Shock, awe and absolute emotion took over, I was terrified. We made the appointment with the doctor for an ultrasound and went in, they could not find the baby and my worst fear took over, another ectopic. As they searched through the fallopian tubes and ovaries still nothing, so they ran blood work the weekend we were moving. The only thing on my mind that weekend was please God just let it be negative so I don’t have to deal with loss, even though I never expressed those emotions to my husband. I couldn’t fathom being told I am pregnant, when all I have ever heard was you cant conceive.
That Saturday night, in Tallahassee while sitting at dinner, we got the call, my doctor was so excited she didn’t want the on call physician to call me, she needed to. She said my blood levels in the HCG test had not just doubled, but tripled and I was definitely pregnant, being the wonderful woman of God that she is, she followed that up with a sentence that will stick with me forever, “this child is an absolute miracle”, she knew what I had been through and no words summed in up better.
Two weeks ago, laying back on that table that I dreaded, I waited and prayed for good news as the technician came in, and within seconds of starting the ultrasound, there it was, our little tadpole and its heartbeat. We were seeing our babies heartbeat. The emotion that overtook me was so great, God had to let me release so much to receive the joy that was seeing my babies heartbeat! So now, we are planning for Baby Ross #1 of what I am having so much faith is 1 of many more to come! With every ounce of morning sickness and absolute food aversion comes also joy and gratitude to a Savior who once again in a time of just laying this down at His feet, He gave us the desire of our hearts, along with some growth and trust in Him.
I am so blessed to say that I AM GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!! And I only hope I can be half the parent mine were to me and lead my daughter/son to be followers of a wonderful Savior, knowing everyday that they are living proof of His love for them to give them life and give me the ability to carry this precious life for 9 joyous months!